Delightful Yet Poisonous
by WishingDreamer5
Summary: There are many things about women that annoy men, and vice versa. Needless to say, such misunderstandings also exist between Cloud and Tifa. But fear not, Cloud has been writing down the "Man Rules" for her, so that Tifa will finally understand him. But Tifa has her own demons to fight, like trying to resist jumping Cloud when he smells this deliciously good! Will things work out?
1. Mind Readers

**A/N: This first chapter is for brancan2, who requested a Cloti one-shot. :D And since I'm extremely lazy, I asked her if she was okay with the fact that it belonged to a collection. Fortunately, she didn't mind at all. This one-shot collection (a.k.a. "The Man Rules") will consist of thirteen chapters that will focus more on what men might find annoying about women, or with other words: misunderstandings between Cloud and Tifa. I found the list on the internet, and I know that it's pretty stereotypical, but that doesn't mean it can't be funny. And who knows, maybe you'll find some useful tips yourself. This is also my first multi-chaptered Cloti story, so please be gentle. :P**

**Since I already wrote a one-shot about Jealous!Cloud, I figured I might as well write one about Tifa being in the same position...but with a little bit more fluff this time, because they're in an almost-but-not-really kind of relationship now. Arlene is "borrowed" from the game Kingdom Hearts... more or less. It's complicated. Anyways, hope you like!**

**Please note that these rules are all numbered "1" on purpose. (A "guy thing," I guess?)**

**Special thanks: Mystics Apprentice, my super awesome beta reader. :)**

* * *

_~ "Done?" A quiet chuckle escaped him. "I'm just getting started, Teef. I thought you knew me better than this." ~_

* * *

**Rule 1. _Men are NOT mind readers. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you._**

Maybe this was all a bad dream. Perhaps she would wake up in a few moments, only to realize that she was warm and secure in her lover's strong arms. Or maybe, reality had just turned into a horrible nightmare and there was absolutely no way in _hell_ that she could escape from it this time.

_Okay, Tifa. Breathe in... and out... In... Out... Don't give in to your desires, no matter how tempting it is at the moment_, the raven-haired beauty thought over and over again, but it was barely working.

Her frown deepened as she gritted her teeth. It seemed that this had become her personal mantra for the past few minutes. Though it wasn't necessarily helping her calm down...unfortunately. Not when it was more than obvious that this blonde bitch Arlene, who had appeared out of nowhere, was practically imagining herself in Cloud's pants right now. It was disgusting and plain wrong in so many ways that Tifa had to gag several times. And it was not only because Cloud was her childhood friend…

The worst part of all of this was that Cloud didn't even seem to mind the attention that he was getting! Well, all that the guy really was doing was sitting there next to that bimbo, looking at her as though he'd never seen a woman before as she continued flirting shamelessly with him. Yes, the blond ex-SOLDIER was just sitting there and letting it happen. Heck, he was probably enjoying it, too, hiding it behind his incredible poker face. So instead of helping Tifa a little with serving the customers, Mr. Chocobo-head decided to actually listen to that…that _thing_ on high-heels!

Could you blame the beautiful bartender for being utterly pissed off at him at this point?

Tifa's hands were practically itching to strangle that woman, or at least slam her head against the smooth counter and then drag her out of the bar by her ugly, golden blond hair. But she couldn't because, technically, Arlene wasn't doing anything wrong. And she didn't want to give up on any potential customers. It was all about image, after all; she had made a silent vow to be a good bartender, no matter what would happen (or in other words, no matter how much some people would annoy her). However, it became very tempting the longer she looked at their interaction.

Tifa shook her head and let out a deep sigh. What the hell was she supposed to do with him? Cloud was driving her crazy, yet he had no clue because he was so damned oblivious. It was either that, or he simply didn't care enough.

Almost as though the blond ex-SOLDIER could feel a pair of eyes resting on his form, his head automatically turned in her direction, but Tifa swiftly looked away and busied herself in preparing the next order. A double whiskey, was it? Quite honestly, that sounded very appealing to her at the moment. Too bad she couldn't drink during work (another silent vow she'd made years ago). It would only make matters worse, both for her and the people around her. The last thing she needed was having the urge to dance on tabletops and not being able to remember any of it the next day, while the rest of the town hadn't forgotten about it...

Yes, been there, done that; she was never going to do it again if she could help it.

From the corner of her eye, the ebony-haired woman caught a blur of black and bright yellow approaching her slowly, instantly making her nervous. Sure, she was happy that Cloud had _finally_ excused himself and left Arlene behind, but what if he'd seen the jealousy flicker in her eyes?

...Not that she was jealous, of course. Nah, how could you possibly think that?

Ugh, who was she kidding; she could practically drink the other woman's blood and enjoy it, too, even though she didn't really know her. That was how much she hated her for coming near her Cloud.

..._Her_ Cloud? Where had _that_ come from? It wasn't like the blond man could be considered her property, no matter how much things had changed between them lately. Funny, though, how attached one could become to something that was not even theirs.

The instant Cloud stopped near the counter and opened his mouth to say something, the raven-haired beauty sharply turned away and ignored him, making it appear like she was merely helping a demanding customer nearby (who merely gave her a bewildered look when she put yet another drink in front of him before he had asked. Fortunately for Tifa, the guy thought that it was another reason why he should keep coming back here). She couldn't see how Cloud blinked, surprised at the fact that she had acted like that, be it on purpose or not. After all, the ex-SOLDIER was utterly hopeless when it came to women.

Eventually, he shrugged and decided to linger near the bar counter, just in case Tifa would need him. He sat down on the only vacant stool, between two muscular guys who looked like bodyguards. Well, at least it kept that Arlene away from him. Honestly, what did that woman want from him? She was..._weird_...

* * *

Nothing particularly striking happened for the rest of the evening, save for the part where Tifa was making sure to stay as far away from Cloud as she possibly could, even until she had kindly shown the last loyal customer the door. After that, she started closing the bar. Cloud quietly helped her with putting the chairs on the tables, unaware of her bad mood.

"I'm going to bed," Tifa announced rather coolly, when that task was done.

She did not even bother to look at Cloud now, who shot her a questioning, albeit highly confused gaze. It was clear from the look on his face that he wondered if he'd done something wrong. Any other time the ebony-haired beauty would feel guilty and try to cheer him up somehow. Tonight, however, she simply refused to do so; enough was enough and if the guy really cared about her feelings, he should know what exactly he had done to upset her like this.

The temperature in the room seemed to have dropped considerably, which was something that the man thought was unnerving. He hesitated slightly, before starting solemnly, "Tifa, what's—"

"Good night, Cloud."

With that, she left the man alone and swiftly made her way upstairs. Only silence, as palpable as the closed curtains, remained after she had left.

By the time he followed her, Tifa's bedroom door was closed and the light in her room was out, a silent sign (although in this case, the silence pretty much screamed in his face how much he failed at understanding his best friend... Or maybe women in general) that told him to stay out. Had this happened a month ago, he barely would have paid any attention to it. But now that he usually slept next to Tifa, and now that they were more than just very close friends, this bothered him immensely. After all, the beautiful woman never closed her bedroom door if he wasn't inside yet…

It seemed that this was one of those rare nights in which he had to sleep in his old room. Too bad, though; he'd been looking forward to the moment that he could sneakily drape an arm around her form and pull her close to him.

The worst thing was that he didn't even know what he had done wrong, and Tifa didn't look like she was planning to tell him. Seriously, what was it with angry women?

_They should stop treating men like they are mind readers, because they're not_, he mused.

In fact, half of the time they had no idea what the heck they were doing around women. At least, he didn't...

He sighed, a sudden feeling of dread taking over him. What if this was the beginning of the end? What if she was going to leave him? What if...

Little did he know that Tifa was groaning in her pillow because of her stupidity; instead of letting Cloud know how much she cared about him, the woman was pushing him away! This seemed like an everlasting nightmare, which only got worse with every passing second. And if she got any real nightmares tonight, then Cloud wouldn't even be there to comfort her, like he had done last time...

"I am such an idiot," she muttered, which sounded more like, _"Fmm phuf an idiuff_."

Well, the damage was done, and she had to accept that. Perhaps she would find a way to fix this mess tomorrow (because Cloud didn't look like he had any clue as to what was going on...as usual). Hopefully, it wouldn't be too late to save this "almost-but-not-quite-relationship" she had with Cloud. Honestly, it was as though one nightmare had barely ended when she had to handle yet another one. Her whole life consisted of horrendous nightmares and disappointments.

_If only things could go right for a change_, the raven-haired woman thought.

* * *

When Cloud descended the stairs the next day, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn't the only one up. Judging from the furious clattering of the plates coming from the kitchen, Tifa was doing the dishes, which she had skipped last night. Honestly, why was that woman up so early today? And it wasn't even _that_ time of the month yet (and no, he wasn't purposely paying attention to it, but when you live together, the sudden mood swings are hard to miss. Honestly, talk about nightmares).

Upon entering the clean and cozy kitchen, the man halted. He watched her quietly, with Tifa not aware in the slightest of her silent spectator. Her glossy, midnight-colored hair cascaded over her shoulders. Even from this distant, it looked so soft that Cloud wanted to step forward and run his fingers through it.

Normally, she would just mop the floor or clean the bar when something was bothering her. She had told him once that cleaning had a therapeutic effect on her. He could tell that she seemed to be struggling with something. Whatever it was, it had to be something big, because she still hadn't noticed him.

Deciding to change that, Cloud said, "Morning."

This managed to startle Tifa to the point where she almost dropped the plate that she was holding (which would have been a very bad idea, because it belonged to her favorite set). He smirked at that, before slowly heading towards the raven-haired woman like he hadn't noticed anything peculiar about her. Without saying as much as a word, the blond grabbed a towel from the top drawer and silently started drying the first dish that he took from the rack. It was his way of telling her to talk about whatever was making her act like this. Since the silent man had a way of screwing up with words, he figured that this was the safest way to handle things.

The raven-haired beauty watched him from the corner of her eyes. She wanted him to tell her about the woman from last night, whether he knew her or not, but she didn't dare ask him. Things were embarrassing enough as they were already, without her making the impression of a clingy, jealous girlfriend—even if it was the truth (minus the "girlfriend" part, obviously). But Cloud didn't need to know that.

And so, the silence resumed and neither of them said anything, until, ironically enough, it was Cloud who became too impatient. "Tifa..." he started solemnly, his lightly demanding tone giving her shivers.

He was looking at her, she knew it without having to check if it was true. When she couldn't take that razor-sharp gaze of his anymore, she turned and caught him staring at her.

_Drat_, she thought, at once looking away again.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," was her quick response.

Cloud made a disbelieving sound. "You can't fool me."

Deafening silence followed after that...again.

"Look, whatever I did... I'm sorry."

The ebony-haired bartender almost wanted to tell him that it was all right, before she caught herself; if he thought that he was going to get away with it that easily, he was horribly wrong.

Tifa saw how Cloud slowly lifted his hand and took the sponge out of her hand, making her wonder what in the world he was doing. Next, he brought it closer to her face, as though he wanted her to inspect it. All she could do was watch his moves quietly. Then, to her great surprise, he flicked his hand against her nose, leaving suds on the very tip of it.

With a smirk, Cloud watched the expression on her face slowly change from flat-out surprised to highly annoyed. "That was for the vanilla glaze," he informed her casually.

Tifa, in return, gave him a dark look that said, 'You did _not_ just do that!'

She sighed, before she quickly snatched the sponge out of his hand and swiped it across the side of his neck. Cloud, in return, made a surprised, rather uncharacteristic noise and tried to get rid of the suds. His eyes, however, told the woman that the game was on.

"Alright. If you're done acting like a toddler now, you can leave. I have some chores to do," Tifa spoke, before turning away from him to continue her therapeutic task.

"Done?" A quiet chuckle escaped him. "I'm just getting started, Teef. I thought you knew me better than this."

That was all it took for them to break into a playful fight, including suds. From that moment on, the bartender forgot to be cross with him, and it was only when Cloud slipped and fell, dragging Tifa with him, that both adults noticed the mess they had made in the kitchen. Tifa sighed lightly. Two hours of cleaning had completely gone to waste thanks to Mr. Chocobo over here.

After a moment of silence, Tifa finally said, "Okay, I'm not going to clean up this mess. You're on your own this time."

"What? You were the one who made the most mess!"

"You started it, smartypants, so you might as well end it," she shot back, keeping him firmly against the ground, so he wouldn't try to escape.

Cloud contemplated this briefly. "Well, cleaning up while lying on my back might be a little tough, even for me."

Despite everything, Tifa laughed, before bending forward for a kiss. The kitchen could wait, after all.

* * *

**A/N: Gah, humor _and_ romance mixed together is so darn tricky, at least for me. I don't know when the next update will be, but I hope you liked the first chapter enough to stay tuned for the rest. :)**

**Fun fact: According to one of my polls, Cloud is the most awesome guy from the FF/KH series. I don't think that anyone who's reading this is surprised, right?**


	2. The Perfect Present

**A/N: Whoa, guys! I'm completely blown away after seeing all those positive reviews, favorites and alerts! And the list's only getting bigger and bigger. Thanks so much! :D That sure was a pleasant surprise. And for the record, I don't agree with all of these rules and I certainly don't mean to offend anyone. This is purely meant for entertainment. ;) Also, the longer I stare at the title of this story, the more I start to dislike it... Oh well. After 164 stories, it's pretty hard to come up with something original, at least for me. XD **

**Anyways, this was supposed to be posted on Valentine's Day, so... Happy belated Valentine's Day! :D *shot* I wrote this for CloTi-fanfiction's Valentine's Day Competition on deviantArt.**

**Again, please note that these rules are all numbered "1" on purpose.**

**Thanks: darkcloud777, Kohryu, brancan2, Walker of Nothing, sunflowerspot, hapiflower, ChildishStrife, KeyBlader99, Nuingarien, Strifegirl, AquaticSilver, Aerotyl, MiniHouse, PathKeeper, Hana Hannah, SapphyreMyst, Ability King KK, and M. L. Ayala, my super awesome beta reader. :)**

* * *

_~ Well, then maybe this year wasn't doomed to fail after all. ~_

* * *

**Rule 1. _Birthdays, Valentine's Days, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!_**

If Cloud had to name one thing that he hated the most in life, especially when it came to annoying, repetitive things, it was Valentine's Day. Or rather, it was the emotions that accompanied the day. No, he wasn't talking about how every couple around him seemed to be perpetually glued to each other's lips, because he could tune that all out. What bothered the blond the most was the fact that he had no idea what to do on this day. By gods, he had never felt this helpless before, not even when it became apparent for the third time that he would never become a real SOLDIER.

Who the hell had come up with something stupid like this, anyway? So you only had to prove that you love someone on this day, never mind the 364 other days? What sense did that make, honestly? No guy was waiting for this commercial shit. But if he didn't _do_ anything today, Tifa might think he didn't care about her. And something told him that a simple kiss and some flowers weren't going to cut it.

"Can I help you, Sir?" the shopping clerk, a brunette female, eventually asked, interrupting his train of thoughts.

A hint of impatience seeped through her voice, making him feel all the more uneasy with the situation.

"Uh." As soon as Cloud realized that perhaps he was looking _slightly_ creepy after staring at the same spot for five straight minutes (especially when said spot was her face), he coughed awkwardly and straightened. "No, you can't."

With that, he swiftly turned around walked away, with big strides. Before the man realized what hit him, he stood outside the shop again, with empty hands. The door closed after him with an ominous creak, which gave him a rather uncomfortable feeling.

_Did I just...walk away?_

Whatever, it wasn't like he was going to find something in there, anyway. It seemed that this year, he had to come up with something more creative. Perhaps something handmade? He had the _tools_ for it at least, more or less. He was sure he could find something in the garage. Well, then maybe this year wasn't doomed to fail after all. Good thing he realized it right in time, too. Here was hoping that Tifa would like his change of plans...

* * *

Seventh Heaven was eerily quiet, she noted. The first thing that Tifa automatically did was check the refrigerator, to see if anyone had left some note on it (or an explanation as to why it was so darned silent around here). Her suspicions had been right; she recognized Cloud's handwriting on the piece of paper as soon as she was close enough to decipher his tiny scrawls.

_The kids are at Barret's. I'm doing deliveries. Will be back by dinnertime._

_-Cloud_

Short but effective, without any "XOXO" at the bottom. Typically Cloud.

Tifa sighed wearily, tugging a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Seems like I'll be celebrating Valentine's Day on my own this year...as usual."

Not that she was expecting differently. After all, this was _Cloud Strife_ they were talking about. It was a small miracle that he remembered what day it was. Well, then maybe she should see this day as any other day. There were still chores to be done and she should probably change out of the lingerie that she'd only worn in the hopes that Cloud might take it off for her later...

Okay, so maybe she'd been more hopeful than usual, but could you blame her for that? Cloud had changed so much since he'd been cured from the Stigma. Others might not have noticed it right away, but she knew him more than anyone, so she saw all the signs. Those little things gave him away. Heck, he even gave her_ flowers_ every now and then! But apparently, he hadn't changed enough to do more than give her a chaste kiss on the lips.

Bummer.

Shaking her head slightly, she slowly made her way to her shared bedroom with the blond ex-SOLDIER. Upon opening the door, she encountered the surprise of her life. In fact, Tifa had to hold onto the doorknob with both hands in order not to lose her balance (or faint).

Lying on the bed was a shirtless Cloud, with a red ribbon around his torso, much like _he_ was the present. Rose petals covered the bed and the floor, a sign that he'd planned this. The man was leaning against the palm of his hand, gazing up at her lazily. In his other hand, he held a small package of chocolate. They were without a doubt her favorite ones.

"I know that you like chocolate as much as I like vanilla cake, so...surprise."

Tifa's mouth dropped open at the sight and she started to feel lightheaded. If this was a dream, then she would kill whoever dared to wake her up.

"Tifa... Will you be my Valentine?" he asked in a husky voice.

The glow in his electric blue eyes intensified at the question. It was only then that the intoxicating scent of his aftershave filled her nostrils. Dammit, Cloud had never smelled this good before.

_I think I'm going to lose it..._

"Is that...a rhetoric question?" she asked, faintly.

Did he really have to ask that!? Was she in heaven now, literally?

It seemed that this Valentine's Day would be like no other, and she was about to take full advantage out of that...


	3. Sports and Women Don't Go Together

**A/N: My apologies for the late update! Life is busy, as usual. D: Woot, this story has already gotten over 1400 hits! :D (Which basically means that only 1.3 percent of the readers bother to review/favorite/follow... Maybe I shouldn't be that happy then, because the majority doesn't even like this collection. T-T) Anyways, ****I know it's a little late to write about snow now, but that's just who I am; always "fashionably" late with everything. XD Besides, where I live, it was still snowing on March 31th,_ after spring_. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter.**

**Thanks: Kohryu, Senhorita Caroline, Walker of Nothing, SapphyreMyst, lychee-ran, sunflowerspot, Hana Hannah, Guest, SparkySkye812, AquaticSilver, Clouded Fantasies, Dillinger910, Osard11, brancan2, Stormhall, NIGHTMARE20XX, SingleStone, Lord Divestre Croft, Alicehime-sama, ****Dillinger910, darkcloud777, ScarRhyn, ****and M. L. Ayala, my lovely beta reader. :)**

* * *

_~ Too bad he didn't have time for this. ~_

* * *

**Rule 1. _Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be._**

Cloud had to shield his eyes with his arm for the third time that day. Thank heavens he wasn't driving on Fenrir now, because the last thing he needed was having an accident. The thought of a total-loss Fenrir made him shiver, even more than imagining himself with a few broken bones. After all, his bones could heal, but poor Fenrir wouldn't be that lucky.

Despite the fact that a thick pack of snow was covering the ground, the sun decided to peek through the clouds, making the white substance blinding. But it also meant that the kids were outside, most likely having an epic snow fight with the other children in the neighborhood.

_As if their squeals don't say enough_, the blonde thought with the tiniest of smiles.

He started walking around the house, leaving new footprints on the snow. Cloud took his time doing so, because he loved the way the snow would crunch under his heavy boots. Knowing Tifa, she'd probably already made hot chocolate for the whole family and she was waiting for him to come home before she would reveal that fact...

Needless to say, the man hadn't expected to find the raven-haired bartender playing with the kids; she was helping Denzel and Marlene with building a rather impressive snowman. He paused to watch her. Little droplets of water (or were they snowflakes? He couldn't see it from this distance) were glistening in her hair like diamond dust. Tifa looked absolutely beautiful, what with that radiant smile and the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She's always been this breathtakingly beautiful, but now that her black hair was a stark contrast with all the white around her, he could barely breathe...

Cloud was vaguely aware how his heart tap-danced wildly across his chest at her sight. Not to mention all the butterflies that he felt swarming in his stomach. It was nothing new, but it happened more often now. And yet, it always managed to take him by surprise. It was as though he could never get used to how stunning his childhood friend really was. Too bad he didn't have time for this, for he'd love to admire her for a little longer...

But alas, his favorite sports channel was waiting for him.

At that moment, a snowflake dropped softly on his nose, bringing him back to reality. With a slightly surprised look adorning his handsome face, he wiped it off his nose. This sudden movement caused Tifa to look up and she smiled.

"Hey, Cloud!"

The blond waved back, before turning around and going inside. And that was the first mistake he made...

Tifa hid her disappointment by chewing on the inside of her cheek. She got up with a silent, "I'll be right back," and left the children alone to play in the snow.

With that, she went inside, after Cloud. _Even when he's not running away, I still have to chase after him_, she thought.

Seventh Heaven was quiet, cold and empty, but Cloud knew that the other rooms were a little warmer. So he didn't worry at all when he grabbed a cold beer from the refrigerator and headed for the living-room. He'd barely had the time to open his beer and turn on the television on his favorite sports channel when Tifa stepped into the room.

For a moment, all she did was watch him not give a damn about anything. Quite frankly, Cloud thought she was just enjoying the basketball match with her. However, when the dark-haired woman started tapping her feet impatiently, he inquired calmly, "Are you alright?"

At once, Tifa countered with, "Why didn't you bother to join me and the kids?"

"...Are you mad?"

"Are you going to answer the question?"

Cloud winced inwardly, because that was definitely a 'yes' from her side. It was a good thing that he'd learned to speak 'Tifanese' fluently, otherwise she might have skinned him if he accidentally said something wrong.

"I'm not in the mood," was his simple reply.

However, this answer was anything but satisfying to the woman he shared a room with. "What do you mean, 'not in the mood'!? It's not like it's going to snow every day. You should enjoy it now that it's still possible... Denzel and Marlene would love it if you joined them."

Except that he didn't like snow and the cold that went along with it. At least, not as much as he used to. Where it used to be fun to go on adventurous road trips when he was younger, it only looked stupid now. The roads were slippery and dangerous, his fingers and toes would feel numb no matter how many gloves he wore, and he was done with building snow forts years ago. What else was there left for him to do outside? Making snow angels in the backyard?

He sighed, his electric blue eyes piercing right through her. He cared about Tifa, he really did, but sometimes she could be such a royal pain in the butt.

"I'm tired, Tifa. I've slept about ten hours in three days. My clients are giving me hell at work and it's been a _very_ long week. Give me a break. All I'm asking is to be left alone so I can watch this. It's Sunday, after all."

She narrowed her wine-colored eyes dangerously at him. "You mean you'd rather watch sports than have fun with us?" He didn't reply, but his silence was enough answer for her. She crossed her arms with an angry huff. "I can't believe this! Fine then, be that way. But I don't think that watching TV instead will relieve some of your exhaustion. On the contrary; you'll feel more tired afterwards."

"Okay."

If he'd thought that she would leave him alone now, he was terribly wrong. If anything, his curt reply only made her blood boil even more.

"Honestly, why do you have to be so selfish, Cloud? If I didn't know any better, I would think you don't care about the children at all."

By now, Cloud had heard enough and his patience was wearing thin, too. "Is this even about the kids? Because I don't hear them complaining. Who's calling who selfish here when all you do is think about yourself?"

Admittedly, it was a mean thing to say, but right now, he didn't care. It had been a tough week and the only thing he needed right now was a good basketball match, preferably with lots of blood. Didn't she understand?

Tifa opened her mouth to reply, but when she couldn't think of a fitting response, she had no choice but to close it again. The angry woman clenched her hands into fists and she shook uncontrollably. If Cloud had looked up at that moment, the thought that she was trying not to attack him might have crossed his mind. She promptly turned around and walked away, slamming the door shut behind her with a loud _BANG_!

"...Women."

They were impossible to live with, but you couldn't live without them, either. So he was doomed anyway.

* * *

**A/N: I know, it wasn't funny or anything (and that after months of waiting too), but the next chapter will have more Cloti action. :)**


	4. Yes and No

**A/N: Darn, these chapters are getting shorter and shorter. My apologies for that and the late updates! Life is busy, as usual, even during the holidays. D: ****Hopefully, you guys will enjoy this chapter. ********This is also my entry for the Summer Contest on dA, with as prompt how the FF characters spend their vacation. I hope I did well...**

**Thanks:**** AquaticSilver, Hana Hannah, Senhorita Caroline, Namiroku, zenbon zakura, Satsuki Bun, lychee-ran, Luna Goddess of the Night Sky, Walker of Nothing, TykkiMikk, Alyde, Maj-chan, Mel Melly Melt, sunflowerspot, Sumeragi Hisame, brancan2, CrescentSnow, MakoRain, Tifa Lockheart07, Mezuri, RavenGoesToHeaven, Xyros, cealestial, roobaby2011, mizz-sandra, and Mystics Apprentice, my lovely beta reader. :)**

* * *

_~ Cloud was sure of only one thing, and that one thing mattered the most right now: he was in heaven. He just had to be, because Tifa knew _exactly_ what to do to make him feel good. ~_

* * *

**Rule 1. _Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question._**

Cloud was sure of only one thing, and that one thing mattered the most right now: he was in heaven. He just had to be, because Tifa knew _exactly_ what to do to make him feel good. She was a massage goddess. All those years of her strength training hadn't changed anything about her gentleness, thank gods. She knew when and where to apply more pressure and where to be extra careful to alleviate the stress. It was as though she could read his mind. Quite honestly, Cloud couldn't possibly think of a better way to spend his first moment of summer vacation...or the rest of it, really. He was far too tired to do something else today. Fortunately for him, Tifa understood completely. Moreover, she decided to help him unwind. He could do this all day.

"Do you want me to stop?" Tifa asked softly when he couldn't suppress a shiver from pure delight.

She leaned in a little closer to him, causing a few hair strands to tickle his bare arm and almost make him shiver again.

"…No."

Of course he didn't want her to stop; what was she thinking?

He could almost hear her smile at that reply, and he couldn't help but feel elated, seeing that he was the one who had made her happy...even if _he_ had more reason to be happy, what with the way those simple touches were making him see fireworks. At least one thing that went good today...

"Did you have a nice day at work?"

"Yeah."

Okay, so it wasn't exactly true; it was one of those "okay" days, the ones that you would forget about soon because they were insignificant. He'd had better days than this. Worse too, of course, but Tifa didn't need to be bothered with all that, right?

"Nice enough to make you reconsider going back to work tomorrow instead of enjoying your well-earned summer vacation?" she asked teasingly, making him smile.

"No..."

Oh, _hell no_, anything but that. He wouldn't want to exchange this moment for anything, even if he would get paid for it. He sighed as he let her experienced fingers do their magic. Had Tifa been a masseuse in her past life, or perhaps taken a course while he'd been gone? Whatever the case, he was probably the luckiest guy in the world right now to experience the results. How many guys would kill to trade places with him right now? A lot, there was no doubt about that. And he had it all without even trying to achieve it. This thought alone made him feel a little smug.

"Alright then. Oh, Denzel and Marlene have been working hard today to earn some bucks to be able to pay for your birthday present. I suggested to lend them some money, as always, but instead of that they wanted to sell lemonade downstairs. Isn't that adorable?"

"Yeah..."

Apparently, Tifa took his one-worded response as a sign that he didn't agree with her approach, so she continued in a worried tone, "It was the right thing to let them do it their own way, right? I mean, maybe I should've made them take the money without discussion?"

"...No."

It was quiet for a moment, but then, "Is there something else you can say other than 'Yes' or 'No'?"

Cloud opened his electric-blue eyes automatically when he caught the hint of annoyance that was seeping through her usually calm and melodious voice. If there was anything he'd learned from the past few years of living with the bartender, it was the fact that a peeved Tifa was _never_ a good thing. She could take it out on him at the most unexpected moments...when he was anything but prepared.

"…Yes?"

The instant Tifa sighed and stopped her ministrations, Cloud knew that he'd given the wrong answer. He cursed inwardly.

"Never mind."

Before he could even say "Materia," the dark-haired beauty had retreated and walked out of the room.

"Wha- Tifa, wait!"

Of course, she didn't listen to him, leaving him alone with his troubled thoughts.

He let out a frustrated growl, not sure what the problem was this time. Because how else was he supposed to answer that question; 'I don't know?'

'Most certainly?'

Next time she'd probably go far enough to get mad at him because he'd forgotten to buy her a stupid bracelet...in one of her dreams. The blond certainly wouldn't put it past Tifa. Bottom line: women were weird. And he had no idea what to do to make up to her...

This was going to be a wonderful vacation indeed.

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**A/N: And once again, Cloud messed up without even knowing what he did. XD Anyways, the next chapter will be quite...dangerous. ****Also, for my next Cloti story, I was wondering what you guys liked the most when it comes to the chapter length. I usually keep them between 2000-3000 words, with some exceptions, otherwise it might take me twice as long to update. But I'm not sure what people would actually prefer...**


	5. Fat Looks

**A/N: Holy cow, this story became my most followed one _ever_ as soon as I posted the previous chapter! It's still hard to believe, but it deserves a quick update for a change lol. Thanks so much for the support, guys! *Pulls everyone into a big group hug* Okay, this is a _very_ delicate subject I'm going to touch, so this is not for the sensitive ones among us... Just kidding! :D Needless to say, I had a lot of fun writing this, even if it's a little on the short side. Still, I hope you guys will have just as much fun reading it. ;) This chapter isn't betaed, so if you catch any (glaring) errors, please don't hesitate to let me know.**

**Thanks:**** AquaticSilver, Leech The Puppy, sapphirehimitsu, mizz-sandra, Asfol, LindyLinn, MiamiB, Girls In White Dresses, and Nuingarien. :)**

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_~ "Cloud, do I look fat in these shorts?"_

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**Rule 1. _If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us._**

Tifa canted her head to the side slightly, narrowing her dark eyes suspiciously at her own reflection, before shifting her gaze on Cloud, who was still gaping at her. "Does it look like I have a big butt in this dress?"

Tifa was standing in front of the huge mirror, twirling around in the new, beautiful fire-red evening dress she'd bought about a week ago. It was long, with a sweetheart neckline and looked like it was made from the finest silk that could be found. More appealing than the stunning dress itself was the gorgeous woman who was wearing it. Her long, glossy black hair looked even darker thanks to the dress' color and Cloud simply couldn't look away from her. It was hugging her in all the right places, bringing out her curves beautifully. Cloud had a hunch that he had to do more his best to keep the guys away from his beauty.

"No, you have a very…_nice_ butt," he replied softly as his electric blue eyes seemed to glow faintly when his gaze travelled more downwards.

However, if he had thought that Tifa would be pleased with his attempt at flirting, he was horribly mistaken...and he was about to find that out in one of the most unpleasant ways possible.

She whipped around suddenly and put her hands on her hips, staring down at him indignantly. "And why don't you ever say that?"

Cloud frowned, not sure what the problem was. Was she just joking around with him or...?

He shifted where he was sitting on the bed, his gaze never leaving hers, because heaven forbid if she thought that he was actually feeling_ intimidated_ right now. "I'm saying it now."

"Yeah, you only ever say anything when I ask for your opinion on it. Well, Cloud, I can already feel that this is going to be a _great_ weekend!"

With that, she walked to the door and slammed it shut it behind her with a loud _BAM!_

Cloud blinked then, realizing that his mind had taken him somewhere else completely and that he'd been daydreaming...thank heavens. Funny what some lack of sleep could do to you.

"Cloud, do I look fat in these shorts?"

Tifa turned around so that he could see the front of it too, staring at him with a questioning look that made his heart skip a beat or two.

That question, however, gave him a rather unpleasant sense of déjà vu that he couldn't really shake off anymore. "N-" Cloud was quick to change it into an indignant, "You're not fat!"

Fortunately for him, he had said the three magical words that could make every woman melt on the spot.

"Aw, Cloud." This made her smile. She walked over to him, leaned in close to his face and rewarded him with a kiss that left him breathless. "How sweet!"

He let out a relieved breath at the turn of events and relaxed visibly again. _Trap avoided…for now_.

Because he could only wonder when his next mistake would be.

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**A/N: Who had ever thought we would get to hear Cloud admit that Tifa has a nice butt? XD But you know, this does make me feel a little bad for the stuff that we put guys through. Then again, in some cases it's only fair if you look at it from our side of the story. XD**


	6. He Ogles When No One's Watching

**A/N: Happy Birthday, Mr. Strife! :D This is originally written for Cloud's Birthday Contest over on deviantArt. I hope I did well, despite its shortness. Enjoy. :)**

**Thanks:**** Lord Divestre Croft, Childish Strife, KEEler21, Kohryu, YushieAkira, Ability King KK, Nuingarien, Satsuki Bun, Solace Lullaby, brancan2, AquaticSilver, mizz-sandra, midnight. cowgirl, Zana Zira, cocosnest3, dragonball256, hikachanlover, Serenity Ngo, MidnightSolitaire, and M. L. Ayala, my lovely beta reader (who actually hasn't betaed this yet, but I couldn't wait to update this collection. XD ) :)**

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_~ Cloud didn't bother to hide his smirk as he was pulled back into their shared bedroom. This was, without a doubt, the best birthday__ ever_. ~

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**Rule 1. _Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic._**

Tifa's hair was still slightly damp by the time she finally retreated to the bedroom that she shared with Cloud, but that didn't matter; by the time Cloud came home, it would be dry and straight again anyway (not to mention silky soft, just the way Cloud liked it. And she loved the way he would run his fingers through her hair). The raven-haired beauty glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand, seeing that she still had an hour or so left. Perfect. Maybe she could paint her nails deep red or something. Anything that could improve her looks even more.

Admittedly, she never did anything like that, because the paint would chip off within a few hours, what with all the chores she had to do all day. However, since today was Cloud's birthday, Tifa guessed that he deserved that little bit of extra. And the fact that the kids had gone to Barret's for the weekend was only making matters easier for her. The blonde had been away on deliveries the whole day. In fact, he had already left before she had waken up, so she wanted to surprise him when he got back home. If there was anyone who deserved it, it was this poor soul.

She had decorated the livingroom this morning for when the kids got back; they would hold a fairly big birthday party on Saturday, whether Cloud wanted it or not. Well, she could always bribe him if he didn't like the idea. There were enough ways for her to get her way when it came to Cloud.

"Oh, perfume!" Tifa muttered to no one in particular when she realized that she'd almost forgotten about the most important part.

With that, Tifa took her favorite perfume and sprayed a bit on her wrists and near her collarbone. They said that the proper places to spray perfume on were the spots where you wanted to be kissed by your lover. Tifa didn't adhere to that rule, seeing as that would mean that she had to spray every inch of her body.

Tifa was just putting the short black dress that left nothing to the imagination over her head when the bedroom door suddenly opened and Cloud's head peeked from around the corner before he stepped in completely. He opened his mouth to greet her, but halted when he saw her new attire. His electric blue eyes widened in sheer surprise and his jaw practically reached the floor. Whatever it was that he was expecting to encounter behind this door, she could tell that it was certainly not _this_.

Tifa's dark eyes had widened too, but for a complete different reason. "Cloud!" she yelped, quickly covering herself with the first thing she could get her hands on (which was a plain towel that was definitely not big enough to hide her form from him completely). "You're too early!"

What in the_ world_ was he doing here an hour too early?

Cloud didn't reply, simply because he had lost the ability to talk. It was as though his brain was refusing to listen to the orders that he got.

All the man could do was stand there, his mouth dropped open, staring at her like it was the first time he'd seen a woman in his life. "Sorry," he said quickly after regaining his voice, and he made to leave.

By the door, however, he automatically stopped again to look her up and down. She looked absolutely _stunning_, did she even realize that at this point? Cloud was really tempted to lift her up, throw her on their bed and just-

"Cloud."

"Yeah…?"

"Get out!"

"_Oh_! Okay…"

Almost as though he had waken up from a deep slumber then, Cloud quickly did as he was told and closed the door behind him. Despite everything, a rather uncharacteristic giggle escaped Tifa and she shook her head at the silliness of it.

Sighing lightly, she opened the door again and grabbed him by the collar before he could escape. "Oh, come here, you."

Cloud didn't bother to hide his smirk as he was pulled back into their shared bedroom. He had not gotten his birthday present yet, but something told him that he wouldn't have to wait for it that long. This was, without a doubt, the best birthday_ ever_.

"Where do you think you're going? You still have to unwrap your birthday present," Tifa started playfully.

The door swung shut with a click…

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**A/N: And with that, we've already finished 50% of this one-shot collection! :D Time flies when you're having fun. :)**


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